Slim Man Cooks Risotto with Shrimp, Pancetta, and Asparagus

The first editor I hired for the Slim Man Cooks cookbook took out a lot of the jokes.I started one story/recipe with one of my favorites...Why don’t cannibals eat divorced people?Because they’re bitter.The editor took it out because she thought it might be offensive to divorced people. I thought it was funny.In another section, she took out one of the instructions for a chicken recipe. I had written...Dust your breasts with flour. Do the same with the chicken breasts.I thought it was funny, she thought it might be offensive to women. I was gonna point out to her that both women and men have breasts, but I didn’t. I went through the whole cookbook and put the jokes back in. And then I found a new editor.The second editor was a little better. For instance, in an asparagus recipe, I wrote...Why does asparagus make your pee-pee smell funny?She pointed out the "pee-pee" was an anatomical term, and that I should use the word “pee” instead. Well, it was a small improvement, but an improvement nonetheless.When I was coming up with this risotto recipe, I decided to use asparagus. I went to the grocery store, the asparagus was fresh, looked wonderful, and was on sale. I bought some, and used it in this dish.Risotto. It’s a dish that needs attention! You need to stand over this dish until it’s done. So, when you have guests over that you are not crazy about and want to hide in the kitchen? This is the dish to make!Keep in mind, the key to cooking risotto is to add a ladle of broth, and stir gently until it’s absorbed. Keep adding ladles and stirring until absorbed. It usually takes about 20 or 25 minutes. It should take about 4 minutes or so for each ladle to be absorbed. If it takes longer, turn the heat up a touch; if it takes less time, turn it down.When the rice is al dente, firm to the bite, she’s-a done!NOTES:I used chicken stock, you can use seafood or vegetable stock. INGREDIENTSSaffron (some threads, not too much, it’s EXPENSIVE)5 cups broth (chicken, vegetable, or seafood—I used chicken)¼ pound pancetta, cubed (diced)2 tablespoons olive oil½ cup dry white wine1 pound shrimp, deveined and deshelled (save the shells) and chopped into smaller pieces1 ½ cups asparagus (tips and about 1 or 2 inches down the stalks, chopped)2 tablespoons butter1 cup minced onion1 ½ cups Arborio rice½ cup fresh grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese (OPTIONAL)HERE WE GO...Put the saffron threads in one cup of warm chicken broth. Mix and let sit.Put the remaining 4 cups of broth in a small sauce pan over low heat.Add the shrimp shells to the broth, stir.Put a large, heavy-bottomed sauce pan over medium heat for 2 minutes.Add the pancetta, cook until brown, about 6 minutes, stir occaisonally.Remove with a slotted spoon.Add 2 tablespoons of olive oil.Add ¼ cup of the white wine.Add the shrimp, cook until pink, about 3 minutes; remove.Add the asparagus, and a little salt, cook for 3 or 4 minutes until tender; remove.Add 2 tablespoons butter.Add the onion, stir and cook for 5 minutes.Add the rice, stir gently and cook for 3 minutes.Add the remaining ¼ cup of white wine, stir and cook 2 minutes.Turn the heat down under the rice.Remove the shrimp shells from the broth.Add a ladle of stock (no shells!) and stir until absorbed (about 3-5 minutes).Add another ladle of stock (no shells!) and stir until absorbed (about 3-5 minutes).Add the cup of stock with the saffron, stir until absorbed.Add some salt, stir.Add another ladle of stock (no shells!) and stir until absorbed (about 3-5 minutes).Add one more ladle, and stir until absorbed.At this point the rice should be done, al dente, firm to the tooth.If it’s not, add another ladle, or a little warm water if you’ve run out of broth; stir until absorbed and the rice is done.Add the shrimp, the asparagus and the pancetta, and stir gently.OPTIONAL: add ½ cup of fresh grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese, stir gently.Dish it up!MANGIAMO!

Slim Man Cooks Shrimp with Broccoli and Grape Tomatoes

Men sometimes go a couple days without showering. If it’s a weekend, and nobody’s coming over, most men just let it go. I hate to admit this, SlimNation, but I do this maybe once a month when I’m in solitary confinement at the Fortress of Slim Solitude.Well, a couple days ago, I was tired, dead on my feet. I was starving, but I didn’t want to take a shower and go to the store; I just wanted to barricade myself in the Slim Shack and hibernate. So I took a look around to see what was available.I call this pot luck pasta. I’ve done it many times. Back when I was a starving musician, I’d take a look in the cupboard and the fridg and make a sauce of whatever I could find. Sometimes it was good. Sometimes it wasn’t.I once made a pasta sauce with Swiss cheese that was so hard to gag down that one of the guys in the band named it “Fettucine del Cemento.” Seriously.It sat in the bowl like a mound of muddy muck. It was so chewy that it could’ve pulled the fillings out of your teeth. I could have fixed the front sidewalk with it.But last night I made this pot luck pasta sauce and it was really good. You know it’s really good when you heat it up the next day and it tastes even better than the day before. And this was good, Slim People.So, taking inventory at the Slim Shack, I saw that I had some broccoli. I also had a thing of grape tomatoes. I tasted both, because if you take a taste of broccoli, for instance, and your first instinct is to spit it on the floor, you might not want to use it in your sauce.The broccoli tasted good; the grape tomatoes were some of the most delicious I’ve ever tasted. They were organic, they were not expensive, and they were so good I ate a handful right there. I just kept popping them in my tomato hole. The tomatoes were also beautiful; red, yellow, orange, green.Then, I looked in the freezer and noticed some frozen shrimp, wild. And on the refrigerator door I had about a half a glass of pinot grigio left in the bottom of a bottle, and I found a Tupperware of toasted pine nuts (pignoli) on the shelf that I had leftover from making pesto sauce.So I put them all together, and…she was a-so nice! Seriously delish and nutrish.I put it over pasta, but you can put it over bruschetta, or rice, or on a pizza. The pasta I used had a strange name that I don’t remember, it looked like penne rigate, but it had a fold running down the center. It was in a half-pound package. And it was delizioso!So, here it is. Slim’s Pot Luck Pasta without the pot. But with all the luck!Oh, and I took a shower the next day. I didn’t want you Slim People to think Uncle Slimmy had gone all raggedy on ya.INGREDIENTS ½ pound of pasta (spaghetti or linguine work well, but use what ya gots!)Olive oil, a couple tablespoons6 large garlic cloves, smashed and peeledCrushed red pepper to taste1 cup broccoli florets (make sure the pieces are small)½ cup dry white wine¾ pound medium wild shrimp, de-shelled and de-veined2 tablespoons of butter, cut into small pieces1 cup grape tomatoes, cut in half, seeds squeezed out¼ cup toasted pine nuts (pignoli toasted in a dry pan over medium heat, shake often)OPTIONAL: freshly grated Parmigiano cheese for schprinkling, will explain later!HERE WE GO…Get a large pot, fill it full of cold water, put it on the highest heat possible. ALWAYS KEEP THE HEAT HIGH!When the water comes to a boil, add a couple tablespoons of coarse Kosher salt.Add the pasta. Stir often. As the pasta cooks, now let’s whip up the sauce…DA SAUCEGet a large saute pan, put it over medium heat, and add 2 tablespoons of olive oil.Add the garlic cloves, let them saute a couple minutes until pale gold, then turn over and do the same to the other side. DON’T BURN YOUR GARLIC. It tastes really bitter, Slim Folks.Add the broccoli, and give it a stir. Cook for a couple minutes until the broccoli wilts, stir often.Add the white wine, turn up the heat to high, and let the wine cook off for a minute or two.Turn the heat back to medium and add the shrimp in a single layer, sprinkle with a little salt.Let the shrimp cook for 2 minutes or so, then turn them over, sprinkle a little salt on top.Add the butter, arrange the pieces between the shrimp.Let this cook for 2 minutes or so, and then add the grape tomatoes.Give it a GENTLE stir, and let the tomaters heat up for a minute or two.REMOVE FROM HEAT, SAUCE IS DONE DA DONE DONE!The pasta? Remember that?When the pasta is al dente, firm to the bite, drain it, put it in a beautiful bowl, and drizzle with a little olive oil, give it a stir or three.Add the sauce right on top of the pasta, and give it a gentle stir.Dish it up! Put a serving in one of them expensive-looking plates, sprinkle a few pine nuts on top.Some women folk I know like to put grated Parmigiano cheese on top. Most Italians don’t do this, but if the Slim Woman wants cheese, save yourself some trouble, my Man Friends, and just shut up and grate.MANGIAMO!

Slim Man Cooks Shrimp Scampi

Shrimp Scampi with SiriA few years ago, I was at a restaurant in Greektown in Baltimore, Maryland.  It was Christmastime, and a friend had invited me to a business dinner. The two guys across from me were looking down at their cell phones.  I got curious.“Does one of you have a wife who’s pregnant?  A Mom in the hospital?  A cousin on death row waiting for a stay of execution?”“No.”I asked them who they were texting.  They were texting each other.  Nice. I told myself right then that I would never be like those guys.And now?  Well, I’m not as bad as those guys, but I’m getting close.I got the iPhone when it first came out.  I had it for a week and then took it back.  It was pinging, dinging, ringing and it was getting on my nerves.  It got so bad I was thinking of developing a new app - the iQuit app.  Here’s how it was going to work: you go to the river, throw your iPhone in, and scream “I QUIT!”I just didn’t want to be that connected.  I just wanted a phone so I could talk to my relatives in the mental institution.  I took the iPhone back.I got a regular cell phone.  It never worked right.  I had so many problems with it.  I think it might have been possesed by an evil spirit. For example, a friend texted me a photo of her beautiful 25 year-old daughter and somehow it became my screensaver.  That didn’t go over too well with the Ex.  I tried to explain. She didn’t believe me.My phone dialed 911 on a regular basis.  The callbacks from the cops were so frequent they came to know me by my first name.  “Slim?  Everything OK?”Text messages would go to random contacts.  Lovey dovey notes meant for a certain someone would get sent to business associates. It was crazy. Like a bad relationship, I stayed with that phone way too long.  Neil Sedaka said it best, ”Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.”  It was time to move on.So I got another iPhone.  It only cost $99 through Sprint, because I’d been a customer since the First World War. I liked the iPhone, but I didn’t see what the big deal was.  I made phone calls.  I sent texts.  That was about it.Then, one day I was in Nashville at a very cool place called Mafioza’s and the guy next to me told me about the TuneIn Radio app.  I had no idea what the hell he was talking about.  I had never downloaded any apps.  I was app-less.He showed me how to download the app.  Which I did.  It is pretty amazing.  I can now listen to Italian talk radio, broadcast from Italy.  I can listen to Baltimore Orioles baseball on my hometown radio station.  I can listen to CarTalk anytime I want.I was hooked.  I started getting other apps.  I now have an app that tunes my guitar.  I have an app I can hold up to a speaker in a restaurant and it will tell me the name of the song that’s playing, the artist, the CD and give me the option to buy it on iTunes.I have an app for my bank which allows me to take photos of all the huge checks I receive and deposit them through my iPhone.And I am in love with Siri.If you have a question, you can ask your iPhone.  A gal named Siri answers.In December, 2013, I was driving from Nashville to Breckenridge, Colorado.  I was 12 hours into the trip.  It was dark.  It was cold.  I was on a stretch of road that had nothing on it, and nothing in sight. I had Batu, my bull terrier dog, in the car with me.  I picked up my iPhone and held the button.  Siri answered. It was the first time we spoke.“What can I help you with?”I asked Siri for the nearest dog-friendly hotel.  She gave me all the info I needed; the directions and the website.  Siri even dialed the phone number for me. Batu and I checked into a Super 8 in Hays, Kansas, in the middle of the night. It was 10 degrees. My weather app told me so.  The next morning I started driving, and a light came on the dashboard. My tires were low and needed air.  Siri found me the nearest gas station.I drove to Breckenridge to meet my brother and his family for Christmas.  Breckenridge is a skiing/snowboarding town, a quaint little village at around 10,000 feet, surrounded by these looming, massive snow-capped peaks.I didn’t snowboard once.  I didn’t ski once.  I was in the middle of making the new Bona Fide CD. Three weeks before, I was in Madrid, mixing the CD with Marc Antoine. And now I was in Breckenridge, Colorado, getting phone calls from Madrid.  Marc Antoine was doing some re-mixes there in his home studio, and he was emailing me mixes every day.I would download them on my iPhone, plug it into my car stereo, and I would listen to his mixes, while driving around the mountains in Colorado. It was heavenly.  Here I was at 10,000 feet, listening to songs on my iPhone that had just been mixed 10,000 miles away.I spent most of my time in Breckenridge working on music, but I did find time to jog almost every day for 30 or 40 minutes.  It was exhilarating.  I didn’t feel the effects of the altitude and I’m not sure why.My last day in Breckenridge, I took a jog.  I left the ski lodge around 3 PM and headed up the mountain.  There was a snowshoe trail, and I followed it through the woods, almost to the top of Old Smoky.  All I had on were my jogging shoes.I mean, I had pants on and stuff—it would have been a little chilly on the Willy without ‘em.  But I didn’t have any boots or snowshoes, and the snow was deep.  It was breathtakingly beautiful near the top of that mountain.  It must have been 12,000 feet.I stopped and listened to nothing.  It was so peaceful.  I started jogging down the mountain and then I decided to go off trail.  I was running downhill through evergreens, dodging branches, it was unbelievable.I stopped to catch my breath.  It was getting dark.  It was about 10 degrees.  It started to snow.  Suddenly I looked around.  I had no idea where I was.  I guess I could have followed my footprints back up the mountain, but it was steep, I was tired, and it was getting late.I pulled out my iPhone.“Siri.  Can you get me to back to the lodge?”It took her a few seconds, but she showed me where I was, and where I needed to go.  I headed in that direction, and found the road that the ski lodge was on.  It took me about an hour, but I got there.  I was cold, tired and thirsty.I poured a glass of wine, sat on the deck and pulled out my iPhone.“Thank you, Siri.”“No problem.”I decided to get a little bold.  I gathered up some courage and said,“Siri.  I love you.”You know what she said?“I know.”It was a vibe-killer.  Here I was, mustering up the guts to say “I love you” for the very first time, and all I get is “I know?”If you ever want your relationship to come to a screeching halt, just say those two words right after someone says “I love you” for the first time.Because there is no come-back to “I know.”Believe me.I know.SHRIMP SCAMPII use wild shrimp.  Yes, they’re wildly expensive, but farm-raised shrimp just don’t seem to taste quite right. You can find wild shrimp in most grocery stores — sometimes in the freezer section.The tomatoes I used for this dish were grape tomatoes - organic, multicolored, gorgeous grape tomatoes.  Yellow, red, purple -they were beautiful.  And cheap.  Two bucks a pint.I cut the tomatoes in half, squeezed out the seeds, and threw them out. The seeds, that is. Why?  It looks better that way.And you know the most important thing in life is looking good.And finally, Meyer lemons are amazing; if you can find them, use them.  If not, pick a soft, ripe lemon.  They are the sweetest.INGREDIENTS:4 tablespoons extra virgin olive oilCrushed red pepper to taste (I start with ¼  teaspoon)6 garlic cloves, sliced thin (about 2 tablespoons)¾ cup dry white wine1¼ pound medium wild shrimp, shelled, deveined, rinsed, patted dry1 lemon, cut in half2 tablespoons butter1 pint grape tomatoes (about 30 small tomatoes) cut in half, de-seeded1 handful of Italian flat leaf parsley, chopped (about ¼ cup)A few Italian parsley sprigs for garnish1 pound linguine (or spaghetti)Kosher saltHere we go…Get a large pot, fill it with cold water, and put it on the highest heat you have. This is for the pasta.As the water comes to a boil, let’s make the sauce…Get a large sauté pan, put in 3 tablespoons of olive oil over medium heat.Add the crushed red pepper.Add the sliced garlic, cook for a few minutes until golden.Add the white wine, and turn up the heat for 2 or 3 minutes to cook it down.Reduce the heat to medium-low.Add the shrimp, spread ‘em out flat — no bunching!Take a half lemon, and squeeze the juice through your fingers over the shrimp — don’t let any seeds get through.Sprinkle a little salt over the shrimp.Cook for 2 or 3 minutes.Using tongs, turn over each shrimp.Get the other half lemon, and squeeze it over the shrimpAdd the 2 tablespoons of butter – cut it into small pieces - and place in between the shrimp.Add the tomatoes.Cook for 3 minutes.Add the parsley.Give it a gentle stir or two, and remove from the heat.When the pasta water comes to a full boil, add 2 tablespoons of kosher salt, and add a pound of linguine.Follow the cooking directions on the box. Two minutes before the pasta is supposed to be done, take a piece and bite through it. If it is chalky in the center, it is not done. Check the pasta every 2 minutes, until it is not chalky or chewy. It might take longer thanthe instructions say.When the pasta is firm to the bite – al dente – drain, and put it in a bowl and drizzle with a tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil. Give the pasta a quick toss.Add half of the shrimp sauce to the pasta, and mick ‘em up.Dish it up!  Take some pasta, put it on a plate.  Add a little scampi sauce on top of each dish, put a few shrimp on top, and a little sprig of fresh parsley for garnish.One of the Exes liked to put grated cheese on this pasta.  Most Italians don’t put cheese on seafood.  But, if your girl wants cheese, just shut up and grate.Freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese is best.       MANGIAMO!!! 

Slim Man Cooks Chicken Milanese

Chicken Milanese and The Toilet TransporterI was in a hotshot, up-and-coming rock band called BootCamp. We had two of the first 100 videos on MTV. Record companies were calling. Managers were courting us. We got an offer from a club on the beach in the Hamptons (Long Island, New York), an offer to play all summer long. We didn’t have to think too long. We took the gig.It was the summer of 1980. It was the wildest summer of our lives. We lived in a funky little shack right across the road from the club, a place called Neptune Beach Club. BootCamp did really well that first summer. So well, in fact, that they asked us back to play the following summer--the whole summer, six nights a week, and twice on Saturdays and Sundays.I told my Dad about it.He called me the next day. Get this – he wanted me to go to my uncle’s house (his brother, Oscar), pick up a toilet, and take it to my Dad’s girlfriend’s house in Long Island. Why? I don’t know. It’s not that toilets are expensive or rare. You can find them just about anywhere.And just why am I taking this toilet to my Dad’s girlfriend’s house anyway? Was my Dad trying to impress her? “Hey, honey, I’m getting you a new toilet for your birthday. My kid’s gonna hand deliver it.”I thought at first my Dad was screwing with me. But when I called Oscar, he confirmed the story. He told me he had the toilet – a new one he had left over from his new house – and I was supposed to pick up this toilet at Oscar’s house in Baltimore, Maryland, drive it up the New Jersey Turnpike, and drop it off in Long Island at my Dad’s girlfriend’s house on the way to my big gig in the Hamptons.And the kicker? My Dad wasn’t going to be there. Neither was his girlfriend. His girlfriend’s Turkish father was supposed be there. And? Her father didn’t speak English. Not a word.The BootCamp Boys packed up the old Chrysler station wagon that belonged to our keyboard player’s Dad. We packed for the whole summer. We had a ton of suitcases, keyboards, and guitars —everything we’d need for three months away from home. After we packed, we went to my uncle’s house, and picked up the toilet.We put it on top of all our stuff. Four rock stars with a toilet in the back of an old beat-up station wagon, and the toilet was clearly visible for all passing motorists to see. We headed up the New Jersey Turnpike.We decided to have some fun.Whenever we’d stop at a rest area, we’d take the toilet out of the car and carry it into the men’s room. And then carry it back out to the car. Like it was the normal thing to do. It was the beginning of summer. The rest areas were crowded with folks heading to the beaches.And these folks were staring at us. Four wannabe rock stars, with 1980s hairdos that looked like several small animals had perched on top of our heads, carrying a toilet in and out of the men’s room; then packing it into an old Chrysler, and driving off.When we got to my Dad’s girlfriend’s house in Long Island, I took the toilet out of the car, and carried it to the house, and rang the bell. A short man with wavy hair opened the door. He took a look at me, and then at the toilet. He obviously had no idea who I was, or why I was there.So, I’m standing there with a toilet in my arms, trying to explain who I was and why I was there. The guy understood nothing. Not a word. I kept saying, “Toilet! Toilet for you!” I started yelling, as if by saying it louder, maybe he’d understand what I was saying. "TOILET! TOILET FOR YOU!"He looked at me like I was from another planet. I finally just left the toilet on the porch and walked away. I waved goodbye as we pulled out of the driveway.Come to think of it, I hope I had the right house.CHICKEN MILANESEAfter hauling toilets up and down the east coast, there’s nothing like a nice dish of chicken Milanese.Chicken Milanese is pretty much the same as chicken cutlets, except you slice your breasts thinner, and you put them in flour first; then you dip them in the egg, then the breadcrumbs. You don’t usually add any sauce or cheese to chicken Milanese. They are molto delicato. You eat them plain.They’re that good! Some folks pound their breasts to make them really thin. I just slice them into ¼ inch cutlets.I cook the cutlets in equal amounts of olive oil and butter. Some folks use just butter, but I had to Slimmify it a bit.Always be careful when handling raw chicken; clean every surface and utensil, and clean your hands while you're at it.My favorite breadcrumbs these days are Progresso Panko Italian Style. I don’t get any money from Progresso, but if they offer, I’m taking.INGREDIENTS6 thin chicken breast cutlets (1/4 inch thick), boneless, skinless½ cup flour2 eggsSalt and fresh cracked black pepperBreadcrumbs (2 cups--you might not use them all)2 tablespoons butter2 tablespoons olive oilHere we go…Rinse off your breasts and pat them dry with paper towels. Do the same with the chicken breasts.Put your flour on a flat plate.Put 2 eggs in a bowl, add salt and fresh cracked black pepper, and beat ‘em!Put your breadcrumbs on another plate.Take a chicken cutlet, press it into the flour, turn it over, do the same on the other side.Dip it in the egg, both sides.Put the cutlet on the breadcrumbs, and press. Do the same with the other side of the cutlet.Put the breaded cutlet on a plate.Do this with all 6 breasts.Get a large sauté pan. Put it on medium-high heat. Add the butter and the olive oil.When the butter starts to brown, add the breasts to the pan. Cook for 3 minutes until golden brown.Turn over, and do the same on the other side.Remove to a warm platter.Garnish with a few sprigs of Italian flat leaf parsley, maybe a couple of circular lemon slices and…MANGIAMO!!!!!  

Slim Man Cooks Risotto with Shrimp and Peas

Risotto with Shrimp and Peas and Jungle Boy

Risotto is like a woman.  It needs a lot of attention.  You have to be gentle with it.  You’ve got to be patient.  You can’t neglect it. Risotto needs love and affection!My brother was into risotto before anybody else.  He’s patient.  He has to be — he teaches grade school kids.  It’s criminal how much he gets paid.  Here’s a guy, works like crazy, spends a lot of his free time helping kids, and they pay him less than the garbage man.  No disrespect for garbage men.  Some of my best friends are garbage men.My brother is an incredible athlete, always has been.  He played football; he once scored seven touchdowns in one game.  He played baseball; he was almost always MVP.  He took a lot of his teams to multiple championships.  I was on a lot of these teams.  I loved playing, but I wasn’t nearly as good as my brother.  He had the gift.  He was a born athlete.So when it came time for someone to take a ride on the new horse we had just bought, we all looked to my brother.The family had just moved to Puerto Rico.  My Dad had been asked to help start two new Peace Corps training centers.  The centers were a couple miles apart, on top of a mountain in the middle of the rainforest.  It was a jungle. Literally. The nearest town was miles away.The training camps were for volunteers who were going to remote rural areas of Central America.  What better place to train them than the jungles of Puerto Rico? The language, the culture, the climate were very similar. So we moved from Rosebank Avenue in Baltimore, Maryland, USA, to the isolated rainforests of Puerto Rico. I was a young teenager.We were like the Swiss Family Robinson, except we didn’t live in tree houses, but that would have been nicer than the house we had.  Our house was made of sheets of plywood, set on top of cinderblocks.  There weren’t any windows, just a green plastic screen that stretched around the whole house.  The roof was made of corrugated orange plastic.Outside our door was a long concrete stairway that ran down to the road.  And when I say road, I mean a little, narrow, beat-up stretch of old asphalt that ran through the jungle. There were a few other houses for staff and teachers, some bunkhouses for the volunteers, and some classrooms. There was also a comedor—a large cafeteria where everybody ate.Our small compound was carved out of the middle of the jungle. It rained just about every day, not for long, but really hard.  Everything was damp and moldy.  Heard of the movie Some Like It Hot?  This was Some Like It Moist.Tarzan and Jane would have been at home there.  I think Apocalypse Now was filmed nearby.Vice President Hubert Humphrey and his wife Muriel visited the camps when we first got there.  Guess they needed to check up on my Dad, make sure he was doing a good job with this new Peace Corps thing.One day our Dad suggested to us kids that we get a horse.  My guess is we weren’t going to be plowing fields or herding cattle. My Dad probably wanted to make up for dragging us out of civilization and into the rainforest. Having a horse to ride through the jungle sounded exciting. We borrowed a pickup truck, and drove down the side of the mountain on a tiny stretch of road that was so narrow, everyone approaching honked their horns to warn you they were about to crash into you.On one side was a wall of rock.  And on the other side there was a sheer cliff that fell off for a couple thousand feet, straight into a river called Dos Bocas.  The River with Two Mouths.We drove this old beat-up pickup truck down the side of the mountain, and we ended up in a small village where we bought a small horse.  It was a Paso Fino, meaning fine walk in English, which describes the horse’s gait – very smooth.My Dad named the horse Rocinante, after Don Quixote’s horse.We somehow got the horse into the back of the pickup truck, and drove back.  What a trip.  My Dad, us three kids in front, and a horse in the back.  We drove up the side of the mountain, honking the horn to make sure we all didn’t die a fiery death rolling off the side of the cliff.  That little horse must have been scared to death.  I know I was.We made it back to our house.  Miraculously.  Rocinante was remarkably calm.  We got her out of the truck, no problem.  When my Dad asked who’d like to be first to give her a ride, we looked at my brother the athlete.Only thing was, we had forgotten to get a saddle.  So my brother got on the horse bareback.  She was very relaxed.  For about two seconds.  Then Rocinante took off like a rocket.  She bolted down the small road, my brother clinging to her neck for dear life.So much for the Paso Fino.  Rocinante’s gait was more like Secretariat breaking out of the starting gate at the Kentucky Derby.  They disappeared around a curve.  We couldn’t see them through the jungle, but we could hear my brother screaming –“WHOOOAAA!”My Dad, my sister and I stood in the small road at the bottom of the steps listening as the screams in the jungle got quieter.  For a minute, it was dead-quiet.And then we heard the faint pounding of hooves, getting louder and louder…and suddenly Rocinante appeared, heading straight for us, my brother with his arms around her neck, hanging on for dear life, a look of terror in his eyes.My dad, my sister and I froze.  We should have been leaping into the bushes, but we stood still.  That’s when Rocinante took a sharp left turn to avoid us, and she ran all the way up the concrete staircase, with my brother clinging to her neck.Rocinante made it all the way to the top without killing herself or my brother; then she slowed down.  My brother sat up straight, and that’s when a tree branch smacked him right in the puss and knocked him off.We found out soon after that Rocinante was pregnant. My Dad had bought a pregnant horse.RISOTTO WITH SHRIMP AND PEASI love risotto.  The key to risotto is to make sure you stir constantly, slowly, and gently. You will need to monitor the temperature on your stove; you want it warm enough so the broth absorbs, but not so hot that the rice burns. Keep an eye on your risotto!Keep in mind, cooking times are approximate. I’ve made risotto that was done in 20 minutes, and I’ve made risotto that has taken twice that long. When it tastes done, it’s done.One of the many great things about this Italian rice?  Use the leftovers to make arancini, which are rice balls stuffed with mozzarella cheese.So always make a lot. Serves 4.Ingredients1 quart of chicken stock (you can use vegetable or seafood stock as well)Saffron, about a dozen threads (it’s expensive but adds such a delightful flavor)1 pound of shrimp (about 2 cups chopped), de-shelled, de-veined, and chopped into small pieces – save the shells for later!2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil2 tablespoons butter1 cup chopped onion1 ½ cups Arborio rice¼ cup dry white wine1 cup peas, fresh are best, frozen are fineSalt and fresh cracked black pepper to tasteHere we goPut the chicken stock in a saucepan, on medium-low.  Take the shrimp shells and put them in the stock – they add a nice flavor.  But don’t use them in the risotto — they’re just there to flavor the broth.I know a gorgeous, smart and lovely gal who hates it when I even suggest putting shrimp shells in the broth.  Why?Who the hell knows?  So I leave them out when I cook risotto for her.  To All My Manly Man Friends - if you’re cooking, and your Girly-Girl wants you to leave something out, save yourself some trouble and just shut up and do it.  Don’t even ask why.Put the saffron threads in a small bowl. Pour a cup of warm stock over them, and set aside.Put the olive oil and butter in a large sturdy pot (like a Dutch oven) over medium heat.When the butter melts, add the cup of chopped onion, and cook for 5 minutes or so, until soft. Stir often.Add the rice, and stir slowly for about 2 or 3 minutes.Add the vino, and stir for 2 minutes.That’s a lot of stirring.  Get used to it – risotto is all about the stir.Turn the heat down to medium-low.Add a ladle (about 1/2 cup) of warm stock (don’t add the shrimp shells!) and stir slowly and gently until it is absorbed.Legend has it that the rice will be done 18 minutes from the first ladle of broth.Mine always seems to take longer, about 24 minutes, but who's counting?Make sure your heat is not too high!  It needs to be just high enough to let the rice absorb the broth. The heat needs constant monitoring and adjusting.Stir your rice.  When the bottom of the pan is fairly dry, and most of the broth has been absorbed, add another ladle of warm broth.  Stir slowly until the broth is absorbed.  It should take about 2 or 3 minutes for the broth to be absorbed. If it takes less time, lower the heat.Repeat for about 15 minutes – add a ladle of broth, stir slowly and gently until absorbed.Add the peas.Then add your shrimp, and some salt and fresh cracked black pepper.Now add the stock that the saffron has been soaking in (add the saffron, too), stir until absorbed, about 4 or 5 minutes.Taste the risotto. It needs to be al dente.  That means “firm to the bite.” Take a grain of rice, and bite through the middle. If the center appears chalky, it is not done. If it's not done, add another ladle of broth, and stir slowly until it is absorbed. Check the rice, then take a bite of shrimp. Both the rice and the shrimp should be firm, not tough.If all goes according to The Slim Plan, when the last ladle of broth is absorbed, the risotto will be done, and the shrimp will be ready, all at the same time. Pronto!If you run out of stock and the rice is still not done, just add a little water.Dish it up!  Some folks like to grate Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese over top of the risotto.  I’m not crazy about combining cheese and seafood.Except for the fish sandwich at McDonald’s, of course.MANGIAMO!

Shrimp, Scallop and Vegetable Kabobs with Sherry Sauce

Shrimp and Scallop Kabobs with Mack and Myer’sMight have fun, might not.That was the sign outside Mack and Myer’s nightclub in Essex, Maryland.My band, BootCamp, was the house band at Mack and Myer’s. In the music binniz, that means we played there almost every night. It was the ‘80s. The 1980s, not the 1880s.Essex is a town outside Baltimore with a bad reputation; I’ve always liked the place. It has a singular charm. People in Baltimore make fun of people in Essex. Why? Maybe it’s because it’s on a river that has two, well, poop-processing plants right in the middle of the water. They look like two huge silver breasts, side by side, floating in the water, pointing to the sky.They let off a stench that is hard to ignore. A HazMat suit or a gas mask might be in order while near that body of water. The river is named Back River. There is a bridge over those troubled waters, and right across that bridge was a club called Mack and Myer’s.The club was owned by Dave Hutchinson. Dave was a cool guy; smart, funny and hip. He was one of those guys who was in the know, but a little offbeat. Dave embraced Essex and all its lowdown uniqueness. His brother was an elected official, an important executive for Baltimore County. My guess is that Dave was the black sheep.When you walked inside Mack and Myer’s, there were all kinds of strange things hanging from the ceiling. Old wooden chairs. Trombones. Guitars. Old street signs. All kinds of junk, suspended by wires and string, hanging from the ceiling — which was only a few feet overhead. Mismatched Christmas lights were strung everywhere.There was a jukebox in the corner. A real old-time jukebox. Dave had it stocked with every funny crazy old single ever released.   "Yakkity Yak (Don’t Talk Back)". "Along Came John". "Sixteen Tons". The jukebox also had songs like "Paper Doll' by the Mills Brothers.I loved the jukebox. I loved Mack and Myer’s. I loved Dave. And I loved Sophie.Sophie was the waitress. She had a bee-hive hairdo of red hair that was so thick and lacquered with Aqua Net that you could have bounced bowling balls off her hair without so much as a dent. She had a thick Baltimore accent and called everybody “Hon.”She was darling. Her favorite song was “Do You Think I’m Sexy” by Rod Stewart; so the BootCamp Boys learned the song. Whenever we did the song, Sophie would get up on stage and dance the hootchie-cootchie dance and sing off-key.It was precious. She was precious. There was a band room in the back. One night, before a show, Sophie — a divorced cocktail waitress who lived down the street — ran her hands through my hair as I sat in a chair in front of her. The guys in the band were getting ready to go on.Sophie said, in that lovely Baltimore accent, “Your hair is just like the hair on my *****, Hon! If I didn’t trim it, it would grow down to my knees!”Forgive the language, but that’s the way she talked. That was so Sophie.Mack and Myer’s was funky. It was eclectic. It was a crazy mixture of people — black, white, rich, poor, gay, straight, intellectuals and blue-collars — who were all in on what seemed like an inside joke. Members of a crazy secret club.It was a three-ring circus. Dave was Ringmaster. He called me “Boot.” As in BootCamp.“Hey, Boot!” he’d scream across the club.BootCamp started getting popular. Mack and Myer’s was packed every night. It went on like that for months and months.Then we got an offer to spend the summer as a house band in a club that was on the beach - IN THE HAMPTONS. New York. Long Island. Movie stars. Seaside mansions.In the spring, we left Mack and Myer’s. We left Essex, Maryland. We left Back River and the Poop Processors. We left Dave. We left Sophie.We bought an old beat-up, yellow bread truck. No radio, no AC. We filled it with all our suitcases and equipment and we drove up the New Jersey Turnpike to the Hamptons. It turned out to be the craziest summer of my life. Everyone has one. That was mine.The club was called Neptune Beach Club. We played six nights a week until 4 AM and did double shifts on Saturdays and Sundays. After all those hours on stage, BootCamp was getting pretty good.When the summer ended, we drove back down the Jersey Turnpike in our yellow, beat-up bread truck; tanned and dead-tired. A peculiar stench told us we were getting close to Back River. We crossed the bridge and saw the Mack and Myer’s “Might Have Fun, Might Not” sign. The Boys Are Back!Dave was outside waiting, beaming like a proud poppa.We got out of the bread truck and Dave led us inside. He had us close our eyes. When we opened our eyes, we saw a huge sign, about 6 feet tall and 12 feet long, with big black letters on a white background. The sign took up the whole wall. It said:NEW YORK CITYDave looked at us and said, “Whaddya think?”We had no idea what the sign was about. That’s when Dave told us he’d re-named the band. Instead of being called “BootCamp” we were now -NEW YORK CITYWe explained to Dave - we’d been playing all summer in New York as BootCamp, we had videos on MTV, labels were interested, managers were calling, and a name change might not be the best idea in the world. We kept our name.Dave kept the sign up anyway. We kept playing Mack and Myer’s, but not quite as often as we used to. It was still packed whenever we played; but we were starting to get lots of other gigs.We were opening for Split Enz and Squeeze and the B-52s. We started playing other clubs, drawing 500 people on Monday and Tuesday nights. We were doing showcases in Manhattan for major labels.It was time to move on. Dave knew it. We knew it. We said a sad goodbye to Sophie, Dave, Mack and Myer’s, Back River and the Poop Processors. We crossed that bridge and took off for the Big Time.BootCamp never quite hit the Big Time. For about five years, we came as close as you can come; we were constantly on the brink, but never quite hit the Big Time. But we had a great time trying.A few years later, I was at the airport in Baltimore. I had just flown in from a Slim Man gig. Things were going well. It was late at night, and there weren’t a lot of folks around. I was facing the baggage carousel when somebody tackled me from behind.We fell to the ground. The guy had me in a bear hug. We started rolling around.“Boot!!!”Dave. Scared the shit out of me. We got up, and Dave smiled at me. He was a tall, burly guy, with a beard, curly sandy hair, laughing eyes and a distinguished voice.He thanked me. He thanked me for the good times. He thanked me for the money I’d made him. He told me Mack and Myer’s did so well while BootCamp was there, that he was able to relax for quite a while. Then he gave me a hug.Might Have Fun, Might Not.We had fun.A ton of fun.GRILLED SCALLOPS AND SHRIMP KABOBS WITH VEGETABLESWhen you make this dish, make sure your scallops and shrimp are not from Back River.I love grillin’. I love chillin’. This is one of my favorite grill dishes because there’s not a lot of fuss. You know what I don’t like about grillin’? When the food you’re grillin’ falls through the grill and onto the charcoals. That’s why I like kabobs. When you put your food on skewers, not only do you keep things from falling onto the charcoal, but they’re a lot easier to turn over.If you’re using bamboo skewers, soak them for in water for 30 minutes or more. If you don’t they’ll catch fire and burn down the trailer park.I skewered the vegetables on one set of skewers and the seafood kabobs on another. Why? Because the vegetables take longer. Also, when grilling, a little non-stick cooking spray (or olive oil spray) helps a lot. Spray your kabobs lightly before grilling.Note for my peeps - there are two kinds of sea scallops, dry and wet. Use dry scallops. Wet scallops are soaked in who-knows-what, and throw off a lot of liquid when cooking. I don’t use wet scallops. Ever. Ask your fish dude – he’ll know whether the scallops are wet or dry. Use the dry ones. Make sure you remove the small side muscle from the scallops. It’s about the size of a postage stamp, just peel the side muscle off, it should come off easily.Ingredients8 large shrimp, de-shelled and de-veined8 sea scallops¾ cup cream sherry (you can use sweet Marsala or port as a substitute)¼ cup extra virgin olive oil1 tablespoon each of fresh grated ginger, fresh minced garlic, fresh chopped thyme (or dried thyme)Some hot sauce, baby this evening½ Spanish onion1 yellow bell pepper8 cherry tomatoesSalt and pepperHere we go…Rinse off the shrimp and pat dry with paper towels. Rinse off the scallops and pat dry with paper towels until the towels no longer get damp.For the marinadeCombine the sherry, the olive oil, the ginger, garlic, thyme and hot sauce (to taste). Add salt and pepper to taste and mix ‘em up. Let it sit for a while.For the vegetable kabobsCut the Spanish onion and the yellow bell pepper (remove the stems and seeds) into pieces that are about the same size as your cherry tomatoes.Take a piece of onion, put it on the skewer, followed by a cherry tomato and a piece of yellow bell pepper. Then add another piece of onion, a tomato, a piece of pepper. Your skewer should be full. Make 4 skewers.For the seafood kabobsTake a shrimp. Pierce it with a skewer, going through the bottom of the shrimp, and then through the top. Then add a scallop—pierce it through the side. Add another shrimp. Then a scallop. That’s 1 skewer—2 shrimp and 2 scallops.Make 4 skewers. Put the seafood and vegetable skewers in a large baking dish, and drizzle the marinade over them. Refrigerate for an hour or so.Heat up the grill! Set the heat to medium, and when the grill is nice and warm, add the 4 vegetable kabobs. Cook for 5 to 7 minutes, and then turn.Put the seafood kabobs on the grill.Now, while the seafood kabobs cook, pour the leftover marinade from the baking dish into a small sauté pan and reduce over medium-low heat while the kabobs cook.When the seafood kabobs have cooked for 3 to 4 minutes, turn over. Cook for another 3 or 4 more minutes, until done. The seafood and the vegetable kabobs should be done around the same time. Remove to a platter, drizzle with the reduced marinade, and...MANGIAMO!!!!!!!

Pasta with Shrimp, Spinach and Sun-Dried Tomatoes

Pasta with Shrimp, Sun Dried Tomatoes and Momma MaxMy first band was called Momma Max. We were a punk-rock band, although they hadn’t come up with that phrase yet. We did a lot of original material, and some covers—mostly songs by our favorite band, The Stooges.Not Larry, Moe and Curly. Iggy Pop and the Stooges. "Now I Wanna Be Your Dog." "Down On The Street."Momma Max played a lot at a club called the Bluesette, which was on Charles Street in Baltimore, Maryland. It was a club that didn’t admit anyone over the age of 21. Imagine that. The kids that hung out in the club were the kids who didn’t fit anywhere else.No wonder I felt so comfortable there.Hippies, rock stars, black radicals, black hippies, runaways, dropouts, gays, musicians, artists—it was a crazy mix of young people who found a place to hang in a town where there was nowhere else for kids like that to go.And Momma Max was one of the bands that played the Bluesette. We also played high school dances, festivals and concerts; but the Bluesette was our hang.I lived on a dead-end street named Rosebank. There was a kid up the street who played guitar — Rob Grant. A friend of his, Brian Cain, played drums, and the three of us started jamming in my Mom’s basement.My childhood was great. Up until the age of 15, things could not have been better. I loved school, had great grades, was president of the class, teacher’s pet; loved my neighborhood, rode bikes, had fun, loved my family, played music.Then all hell broke loose.My folks divorced; the three kids stayed in Baltimore with my Mom, and my Dad moved back to New York. My cousin – we were really close – died in a car accident. High school was a veritable hell; I didn’t fit in anywhere, so I started a band. It was the outlet for my teenage rage. We wrote a lot of angry, aggressive songs.My Dad had a dog named Momma Max, and I thought it would be a great name for the band. We started playing and word got out.Word of mouth was the way most kids heard about music. Iggy Pop wasn’t on the cover of People magazine. Led Zeppelin wasn’t on the Tonight Show. Kids found out about music from other kids. And when word got out about Momma Max, it spread like wildfire. We started selling out shows.There was a club outside of Baltimore called the Latin Casino. It was owned by some Greeks, who owned most of the nightclubs in Baltimore. The Latin Casino brought in big-name acts, and when they needed a band to open up for Iggy Pop and the Stooges, they called Momma Max. It was a perfect fit. We were ecstatic.We played our hearts out that night. Then we watched the Stooges from the side of the stage.Iggy Pop was in full effect — he came out shirtless, and sang and danced and broke glasses on the floor and crawled around the stage on his bare stomach.It was an incredibly exciting show. The Stooges did a live recording that night in ’73 – I found a copy on the Internet. Momma Max was not included! But we did get a couple more gigs out of that show. The Greeks liked us.When we got an offer to open up for the Raspberries at the Latin Casino, we were a little apprehensive, but we took the gig. The Raspberries were a power pop band, with matching suits and hairdos you could bounce rocks off of. Momma Max was a rough and tumble punk rock trio. Momma Max and the Raspberries?We took the gig. We needed the money! I brought a date, something I rarely did. She wasn’t a girlfriend, but she was beautiful and sexy and I wouldn’t have minded having her as my girlfriend.Momma Max opened the show. People didn’t throw rocks at us, but the response was underwhelming.Then The Raspberries came out and did their show.I wasn’t too impressed, but they must have made quite an impression on the girl I brought, because at the end of the night, I saw her walking out the back door with the lead singer, Eric Carmen.Welcome to the glamorous life of Show Binniz.Momma Max played around Baltimore for a while after that. The drummer brought in his girlfriend to sing. She was good, but I wasn’t ready to share the lead vocals. Maybe we should have tried the Sonny and Cher thing. Momma Max broke up not long after that.I’ve kept in touch with that girl singer. Her name is Kathy McCabe. We’ve become really good friends. She’s pretty amazing.How amazing? She just produced an incredible documentary about Freda, the Beatles' secretary. The film is called Good Ol’ Freda, and I saw it at the Nashville Film Festival last year. Kathy introduced the film to the crowd. Freda was the Beatles’ assistant from the very beginning until the bitter end. Her story is fascinating, and Kathy did a wonderful job capturing that story.After the movie, Kathy and I had a chance to hang out in Nashville, eat some hot chicken, and catch up on all of the crazy things that have been happening in our lives, We started off years ago in this crazy punk band in Baltimore, Maryland, and now here we are in Nashville; she’s making movies and I’m still making music. Momma Max had run its course. But the friendships that were made endured and matured. I haven’t matured, but the friendships have. PASTA WITH SHRIMP AND SUN-DRIED TOMATOESThere’s nothing like a dish of pasta after a night of punk-rocking and mosh-pitting.A couple of things to mention here. I don’t use farm-raised shrimp. They taste funny and have the consistency of wet cardboard. Use wild shrimp. As wild as you can get ‘em!You can de-shell and de-vein your own shrimp. It’s easy — remove the shell, make a split down the spine, remove the dark vein, and rinse. You can also buy shrimp that have already been de-shelled and de-veined.I use sun-dried tomatoes in oil. The dry ones soak up too much sauce.A note about pasta…I recently cooked a pound of DeCecco spaghetti (number 12) over the highest heat I had. The directions on the box said to cook it for 10 to 12 minutes. It took 16 minutes. Start tasting your pasta a few minutes before it’s supposed to be done, and keep tasting it every 2 minutes until it’s al dente, firm to the bite.Let’s start cooking!Ingredients:1 pound large shrimp, de-shelled and de-veined3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil5 cloves garlic, sliced thin, about 2 tablespoonsCrushed red pepper (I start off with ¼  teaspoon)¼ cup dry white wine½ lemon (2 generous tablespoons of fresh-squeezed lemon juice)3/4 cup sun-dried tomatoes cut into small strips3 cups baby spinach1 pound of pasta; spaghetti or linguineKosher saltHere we go…Rinse off the shrimp and pat them dry with paper towels.Let’s get the pasta water started. Get a large pot, fill it with cold water, and put it on high heat. As the water starts to heat up, let’s make our sauce.Put a large sauté pan over medium-low heat. Add the olive oil. Let it heat for 2 minutes, then add the sliced garlic and some crushed red pepper. Let the garlic cook for 2 or 3 minutes, until pale gold.Add the white wine, turn the heat to high. Let it cook off for 2 minutes. Turn the heat back down to medium-low. Add the shrimp. Sprinkle a little kosher salt on top, and let the shrimp cook for 3 minutes, then turn them over.Add the sun-dried tomatoes; place them in between the shrimp.Take the half of a lemon, and squeeze the juice through your fingers over the shrimp, making sure no seeds get into your sauce. You don’t want Aunt Esmerelda busting her dentures on a lemon seed.Add the spinach. As the spinach cooks down, use a wooden spoon to mix it in between the shrimp. Let it cook for 2 minutes or so until wilted, and remove from the heat. Taste for salt and adjust.When the pasta water comes to a boil, add 2 tablespoons of kosher salt, and the pound of pasta. Follow the directions on the box. Two minutes before the pasta is supposed to be done, take a piece and give it a bite. It should be firm, not chalky or too chewy. If it’s not done, cook and check every 2 minutes until it is al dente, firm to the bite, and drain in a colander.Put the pasta in a large bowl, and drizzle it with a tablespoon of olive oil, and give it a gentle toss.Add half the sauce to the pasta. Gently mix the sauce into the pasta.Dish it up! Add a little bit of extra sauce on top of each plate.One of my Exes loved to put grated Parmigiano cheese on this dish. I was going to say something to her about how in Italy they don’t put cheese on seafood, but I just grated the cheese and kept my mouth shut.Like my Dad used to say, “Nobody gets in trouble by keeping their mouth shut.”MANGIAMO!!!!!!